


Ollie : Disjointed Emotions

by DeeperShadowsOfRed (SheMovesInTheShadows)



Series: Fanciful Figments; Ed [6]
Category: Ed Sheeran (Musician)
Genre: F/M, Ups and Downs, just some more drama, relationships, simple truths, trials and tribulations, when things just aint right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 16:52:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10034795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SheMovesInTheShadows/pseuds/DeeperShadowsOfRed
Summary: Breathe:© Blu Cantrell (feat Sean Paul)All we do is make up,Then break up,Why don't we wake up,And see,When love hurts,It won't work,Maybe we need some time alone,We need to let it breathe.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A short & bitter pill.  
> Ollie had to swallow.  
> For breathing, even life itself didn't stop, when yours comes crashing down.

It was packed outside.

Angling  in such a vantage point so I could spot Lisa. She was sat happily between Ed and Gary. They were engrossed in a conversation. About to wave as she noticed my presence peeking out at them. I got ambushed by Matt and Liam.

"Hey am I before or after this guy?" Matt asked.

Shooting a look at Liam. He was the more level headed of the two. Quite laid back, easy going in a relaxing way. You'd never pin them for being friends, but they had been inseperable since play school. Whatever deep Zen he possessed would have to be bottled so we could all cope with the drama that accompanied this childhood pal of his.

Sighing, for the tenth time I had to run through the line up, "before Liam, after Owen."

"Which ones Owen?" Matt replied, earning an anguished groan from Liam.

Maybe I spoke too soon. Clearly a things became stressed between them too.

"He's really tall, one you call Sasquatch, remember."

He clicked his tongue, chuckling, "oh yeah Squatch."

Not sure how Owen would react to such a nickname. Sure the guy towered above most at  6"5, but he hardly looked like a hairy man beast.

"Olivia there's been a mix up on the rails," thankful to see my right hand helper for the night appearing with a tangeable problem. One that I could sort a lot better than Matts flutterbrain. 

Shuffling the outfits back with their correct model and ecoutrements took a few minutes concentration. Grabbing a moment to breathe while the guys got into the first of three wardrobe changes.

Stepping out to find Ed stood in the cluttered hallway.

"Hey!" I exclaimed stunned at the sudden appearance," didn't expect you to be back here."

"Figures," he said simply, nodding towards the still half open door.

Where there were lads in various stages of undress walking around, chatting loudly. The odd playful shove here or there as they larked about.

"Oh come on guys focus," my sharp call aimed at two jokers in particular. Pointing the butt end of a pen at Terry and Liam," get sorted before Robert hears bout this. Settle down."

Acting like scolded school boys they continued getting dressed, nudging each other. This was Terry's sixth show for us. He was a veteran, should be leading by example not horseing around.

God, they were men, not kids!

"Got your hands full?" Ed inquired, an observative question. Understatement of the year. 

Shutting the door quicker than intended, chuckling tensely," sorry. Someones gotta keep things in line. For today that jobs all mine. Lucky me!"

Hoping the joke came across less nervous than it sounded in my head.

Thanks to my manager, I had this insane responsibility. Controlling what happened this side of the curtain. Robert was doing me a favour really. He knew I was studying fashion, and would have my own show to put on further down the line. This was his idea of getting me ready for the big day. Having the reigns passed over to give inkling as to what awaited me. 

"Can we talk?"

"Sure," I said, leading the way down the corridor to a less noisy place. That phrase automatically sent warning signals half a mile high. What was going on? 

Clicking my pen a couple of times, lost in flurries of thought. Waiting for what warranted speaking now, instead of after the show. We were going out as a group after all. Lisa, Gary, Ed and myself. Grabbing something to eat, and have a catch up. Obviously he had something he wished our companions not to hear.

Clearing my throat, catching his eye. Ed finally spoke.

"Look it's quite easy for me to hop on a plane to come see you.."

He'd flown back in a few days ago. Visiting with family first before heading down my way. Had something inadvertently annoyed him regarding all this mileage. Getting face time was hard with our hectic lives. It had been a lot worse lately, never seemed like we had a spare moment to breathe.

I had to face the horrible fact that it would be the case for the foreseeable future. Ed had a new album ready to drop.

And things wouldn't get any easier my end, as I faced down final project deadlines and creating a five outfit line from scratch. I hadn't even began to think of cuts or fabrics. Let alone a theme and style. But that was a worry I kept to myself. Swallowing the anxiety and focusing on keeping head above water if only for today. Tomorrow would sort itself . No point stressing about things now.

"And vice versa," piping up finally. 

It wasn't as if he was the only on making those efforts. Feeling the need to remind him of that. I'd invested many weekends and time off accompanying him as he traveled to perform.

"Yea, goes without saying, it's just..."

A flash of irritation panning his face. Turning to see what caused the sudden, irked pause. Rubbing a flexed hand over his mouth and chin in a quick swipe. Folding elbows frustrated, while crossing his arms.

"Matt can you give me a minute."

"I'm on when this section ends."

Clutching the clipboard tight. 'Yeah you and four others.' Yet they saw fit not to make my every waking moment a novella drama.

Roberts voice crackled over my earpiece. 

"Olivia, get ready. They're on in two. You know the music. Wait for the light drop."

"On it. I'll count them in," clicking up the mike to answer him. Before turning attention to the antsy Matt.

He was right. Judging by the sound there was three models left to come off the runway, and a short intro, before this line was due on. 

Satisfied, Robert said a quick 'over', before the line fell dead of static.

"Ok get in where Thomas is, go stand in front of him. You're on after just Owen." 

Matt shuffled off, nodding anxiously. He'd been called in last minute to cover for a no show. It was up to me to count them in. Cover last second tweeks.

"I need to get over there," my statement a bit distracted. Running through the guys positioning in my head once more Terry, Owen, Matt, Thomas, Liam. 

Terry, Owen, Matt, Thomas, Liam.

"Look I know my timings way off," he scuffed nervously," but this isn't working out like it used to Ollie."

"Oh.." spluttering startled, so that's what this was.

Cold washing through me. Body crunched on high alert, knowing all to well what this was. Swan song. 

"I think it's best to.."

"Just be friends right," he looked caged, hearing me be so straight, " that is what you were going to say?"

"Yea. I'll be supportive & there if you need anything.."

Reacting the only way I knew how. Covering pain with a plastic shield. 

Falling back onto Ice Queen mode which had prickled into focus during other breakups, "Right well 'friend', are you gonna staying for dinner and the show... "

He nodded, looking to reach for my rather shaky arm. We had been a bit distant, but was that not down solely to our hectic schedules. 

This had hit me as unexpected. But I knew that speach almost by heart, the 'it's not you it's me' crap thrown out to cushion the blow. Stomach bottoming out in a sinking feeling.

I'd been swallowed by the beast that was despair, it gripped and crushed my chest in a sweeping motion. Caught for a moment in the notion that this wasn't real but some bizarre dream. One which I'd wake from and laugh at. Though deep down I knew that wasn't the case. 

The shaded blue orbs inspecting me proved that. Face drawn with something between worry and confusion. I was acting strangely even I knew that. But the draw bridge was being raised for further protection. Icing over in a numbing fashion.

'This I why you don't fall in love,' chastising myself bitterly. And I did truly love him. Reeling internally. Blinking back stinging in my eyes. Shot through the gut with angled precision. Just wanted to find a hole to crawl into. Avoiding his touch, the mere feel of it would release floodgates. This wasn't the time or place to meltdown. 

"Ollie?"

"Could you take your seat please," I mumbled, vision downcast, "Lisa's bound to be looking for you. And you really shouldnt be back here anyway. Best get to you seat,  before you're escorted out. Roberts relying on me, gotta go."

Blathering on in an insanely fast manner. Willing the crack in my voice to go unnoticed. Swiftly turning heel. 

"You'll be great," he cast as I hurried away, rushing to signal Terry the first of our male models to start his walk. The professional in him,  strutting out. Thankful that he hit the ground running didn't need to coax or mollycoddle him at all. 

Fucking perfect timing Ed. I cursed inwardly. Struggling to blink back stinging in my eyes. 

'Game face, ' reminding myself that there were people relying on me here and now. Meltdown scheduled for later.  Hadn't time to feel now. But it gaped. A part of my chest felt jagged. Like some powerful vaccum had suckjed out a vast part leaving hollow hole behind.  

Wounded,  that's the best description I'd been literally stabbed. 

There really wasn't a need for me to be so brash. Part of me hating that I'd automatically gone into Bitch mode. Protection bubble erected. Ed had never done anything to hurt me. Not in all the time we were dating. He didn't mean to do so now, but the situation wounded nonetheless. Barbs biting with cold steel. 

And why did he still have to be so damn nice. Would make this easier if he'd not whispered parting words of encouragement. 

Goddamnit. This was far from okay. 

I wouldn't be 'great', my mind whispered.

Struggling to keep track of running emotions.

But I had to be in the here and now. Being trusted with such a big job by Robert. Couldn't mess this up too. 

Mouthing Owen to go, getting Matt ready.

We had just downgraded  our relationship in such a throwaway mode it hurt. Biting down hard to prevent swimming in tears. Watching the ginger  haired  singer take his seat, pulling shades down over his eyes. Leaning into my best friend with a tight smile, she angled in to say something to him. Wondering if he would spill the beans before I did about our current status. 

Sudden flit of irrational anxiety jumping up, screaming, 'did he talk to Lisa about us?'  

I hoped not. That would just take the proverbial biscuit.

True. She was a great advice giver.  But he'd his own friends who he could rely on for that.

Nonetheless my stupid mind acknowledged a fear that they may have known before I did, that Ed wasn't happy anymore. A ridiculous  annoying niggle. Didn't even deserve worrying about after all, all I had to do was ask her and she'd be quite frankly honest with me. 

Shrugging in mock non chalance, this heart break had to be put on hold for the time being. The shatters would remain so when the show pulled to a close.

Gesturing for Thomas to take his position, counting him in. 

Just because my personal life had vanished in one foul swoop, didn't mean career had to take a similar hit. If it nose dived too, I would have to call game, set and match.

'Timing couldn't have been more perfect.' Sarcasm hitting overdrive. Angry at fate for thinking up this cruel twist. Cheers karma, we need to have a word you twisted little witch. 

Helping out with the frenzied changing that was going on, as the first guys out got into outfit number two. Tapping for Liam to finish segment one. Things needed to move fluidly. Despite all the clamoring going on back here, those watching would see only poised graceful models in from of them. That was the beauty of the world of fashion shows. All the sweat and hair pulling happened unbeknownst to them. 

Checking shoes were properly taped to prevent slipping, I sent them onto round two. 

"Matts tie needs fixing," Amy muttered sending him my way.

Flipping the clips board under my armpit, I attempted a bigger knot. Taking out the schoolboy tight band quickly. I shirked the silk into a Windsor knot instead. 

Counting him on and checking Thomas.

This would be a long night.

****

"Hey," Lisa called waving. Grinning broadly. I approached the table with wearyness. Falling into the vacant seat to her left.

My feet ached, brain itched and then there was the act that needed to be put on for my friends. Apparently Ed hadn't mentioned our split. The bright happy faces from this couple were testament to that glaringly obvious fact.

Throwing an exhausted forehead onto Lisa's shoulder, she laughed," you're dead on your feet honey." 

"Just about," I grumbled.

Not wanting to move. It was a nice little restaurant, and I knew a few peculiar looks would be thrown this way. But it didn't bother me. All I was conscious of is how much I needed to talk to my best friend. And tell her how my life was going in a superbly 'Ollie-esque' way.

"Here, looks like you need this,"Gary said, passing over a glass of red wine.

"Thanks." 

Taking a sip slowly. Glancing at Ed, who was folding and refolding his napkin. 

"You did a super job," he stated, giving me one of those side glances.

And an honestly genuine smile. But it was bittersweet. Making my heart leap and swelled as usual. Gut administering a swift kick to the nads. 'You ain't dating anymore fool. Quit looking at him that way. ' 

I was broken but didn't want to show it. 

"More like fantastic job," Lisa agreed, upscaling his statement," honestly Ollie, won't be long before your holding your very own show."

"After tonight I don't think I want to see another clothes rail, let alone catwalk," leaning back into the sturdy wooden frame of chair for support.

Pulling hair off my face. Clipping the fringe up and out of my eyes. 

Blue orbs shot to mine questiongly. Ed probably wondered if he had anything to do with that statement. And maybe he did. I sensed this so called 'break-up' came hand in hand with these damn fashion shows. I was heading down a route that brought more instances with models that were sure to shake him. He had never looked at them the same since that big argument over Matt forever ago. Seeing the cause of his temper, so heavily reliant on my direction had to do more than annoy Ed. 

Our skeletons danced a merry jig in hidden closets. He had been closed off about the whole cheating episode that marred his past. But I knew it was there, eating away at him. Despite everything Lisa said, I knew he tarred most women with that brush whether he realised it or not. The red head was skeptical underneath all claims otherwise. 

Because of her, that one stupid girl, everyone got the same reluctant belief. I'd struggled to convince him that nothing happened with me and the male model. A guy with doe eyes for my best friend. I was a means of getting closer to his ever elusive target. Good luck with that buddy, Gary was more her style.

"Thats the tiredness talking," Gary assured," believe me there are days I wonder why I still teach. Yet every morning the zeal is still there. Just the thought that today could be the day, the chance to change some kids life. Start them on the road to becoming the next Roald Dahl or J.K Rowling."

Lisa nodded in agreement. Listening as we all were, to the passionate way Gary spoke about his vocation. A tint of pride lighting her eyes. I smiled, basking in her joy. This man, was the one she would spend the rest of her days with. And they deserved each other. Each brought something to the table. Love, loyalty, companionship. They seemed to walk in their own little world, as was the way with couples. A bubble often watched in envy. 

Eds knee brushed mine under the table. Calling my attention his way, he mouthed a soundless,' are you ok.'

Giving a curt nod, before glancing back at our companions. Willing the night to be over. The last place I wanted to be was out here on a double date. 

No. Twizzler and my huge king sized duvet, a far better choice. 

Dinner was eaten in a haze. An event where myself and Ed attempted not to draw too much attention our way. Lisa and Gary split from us, heading off to meet a couple of his friends. While we made tracks back to my apartment. 

Running on fumes, I exited the cab. Half expecting Ed to make other arrangements and be left alone on the doorstep.

Stupid notion. Where else would he go at such short notice. At this late hour.

"Eh, Ollie is it alright for me to crash here?" he asked softly.

Fearful of an venomous backlash I supposed.

"Thats fine," I yawned. Drawn out from the long day," I'll get you some blankets. You can have the couch."

"Thanks," the mumble greatful.

Going to the linen closet I pulled down the extra blankets saved for winter. Dropping them onto the arm of the sofa, heading into my bedroom to grab a pillow. Finding him sat in the middle of the cushions,stroking Twizzler on the head.

"Here you go, hope it's not too lumpy," passing it over to hesitant hands.

"Look if this is too weird I can...."

"Its fine, honestly. Just get some sleep, don't worry. Its fine."

Two 'fines' in the space of one sentence, Ollie who you trying to convince. Brain battling away.

Wanting to bitterly argue over the crappyness of his timing. Scream and yell out all the anger, the pain.

We could have done this now, not then. But hurt was hurt right, it would ache nonetheless, and I really didn't want to go into specifics. The brief words in the corridor had been enough, more than my soul could handle. 

"Do you wanna talk about this?" Ed queried," we didn't have much time earlier.."

"Nope," I assured, going to set up some cat crunches for Twizzler," this ain't my first rodeo. I got the gist loud and clear."

He got up to approach me. Throwing hands into the front pockets of his jeans," Ollie, I never meant to hurt you, y'know?"

"Yeah, of course. And I'm hunky dory. Rhinoceros hide remember." 

Pinging fingers off my own skin, a futile attempt to show nothing pierced enough to cause pain. Though the lump festering in my throat had other ideas. 

"I always worry about you," he replied. Eagle like in the observation. 

"Now you don't have to," I threw back almost immediately," I mean if you spent all your time 'worrying' about every 'friend', you'd end up institutionalised."

Exhaling sharply, ironing out the frown on his brow," don't do that babe, you know what I meant. You're important to me."

'Not important enough to wanna be with'  the venom of my internal monologue prickling up.  Anger it's first line if defense. But if he wasn't willing to fight for this, us. I simply had to let go.

It's not a battle I could manage on my own. Being a pretty crappy warrior to begin with, didn't really fancy my chances.

I wasn't really able to hold the heart of mighty knight. About time he ended things, could meet a nice lady of similar importance. Let me get my little feet back on the ground.  The roller coaster grinding  to a stop. Time to disembark. 

"Sorry, I'm just tired," partially true, more  so because I wanted this tortured conversation over." I'm eh, I'm gonna go lie down."

"Okay," he whispered catching my hand in his as I passed. Giving it a squeeze," sleep well."

Pulling free of the touch. Tears watering my eyes in a sudden harsh way. Stopping only when I reached sanctuary of my bedroom door. I asked over my shoulder," Ed, are you alright?"

He was as concerned about my well being, as I was with his. We had, after all spent the past two years as a couple. There was compassion there. This wasn't some big massive fall out or spat. Just the drifting apart of two beings. I just had to accept that. 

"Yea. I'm....I'll be okay."

The answer crumpled, like it took some strain to push the words out. Quashing the urge to rush over and squeeze him tight. Comfort him. Buried deep in my arms for one last time, offer soothing words. Convince the redhead that he would in fact bounce back.

Stubbornness and shaky legs prevented me. I'd end up doing something truly unthinkable in this state. Bawling, begging him to rethink, give us another go. 

And he just might, out of pure pity stay with me for a few more months.Then what? Bitterness would leak through, eat away at all our good memories together. Distance needed creating now. It's what was best all round. 

"Okay. Well, sweet dreams. Just watch Twizz doesn't attack you during the night." 

Closing the door I slid down the frame. Hadn't even been able to look at him before shutting it. There was no strength left. Pulling a pillow off the bed I sobbed into it. Burying my face deep into the fibers. Hoping not to be heard. Muffling the sound as best as I could. Raw, gaping pain filling the spot where my heart used to be. 

It was done. 

We were  over. 

How could we be 'friends',  how?? 

I could still see us lounging on the couch, cuddling close while watching scary movies. His scent lingered on the bed linen,  duvet covers we'd picked out together. 

Memories of his skin whispered across mine. His lips, the way his eyes would deepen an pan out in certain light. Our private jokes, and the way I'd draw traced lines across his tattoos. 

You couldn't be intimate like that with a friend. We knew each others fears and dreams. Let our guards down and been invited into internal worlds others didn't ever see. 

Ed had become more than that. Confidant, soul mate almost. He was the first and last person always on my mind. The one I rang when things hit the crapper or went superbly well. The Yin to my Yang. 

That was gone now. How many times had these things actually worked? Downgrading a relationship. 

Could we do it? Accept the new roles without destroying ourselves. 

My bodyshook violently, helplessly. Knowing he probably felt just as bad. Less than twenty feet away. Crumbling. We couldn't even help each other through this. 

And the tears just kept on rolling. Time itself loosing meaning. Eventually crawling into bed. Pulling the covers around me. Curling into a ball. Sniffing with red puffy eyes. Going through each memory in my frazzled head. Afraid of loosing a single moment. As if the time spent with Ed could be so easily forgotten. 

Not sure how, or even when sleep kicked in. I awoke feeling worse than ever. My alarm buzzing away loudly. Hitting the snooze button, sneaking to the door to head for the bathroom. 

I opened it slowly, cautiously. To find myself very much alone. The pillow and blankets folded neatly with a sleeping feline curled atop them. 

Ed, my enticing red head, was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll throw my hands up and admit, this was a hard one to write.  
> Feel :'( ,positively bad about going there at all.
> 
> Uh, for someone who's errs towards being realist & frowns at too many happy endings, THIS was one hard tale to tell.  
> Digging into a place which is rarely tapped. That well we all have inside ourselves, that we wish weren't there. Those things, situations, which thought us lessons, made us who we are. Stronger.  
> :'(


End file.
